Version 1.0, August 31, 2001, Copyright, Hugh Jack 1993-2001

AA:1.5 COMPUTERS

 

· MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES... Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.

  1. Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
  2. Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.
  3. Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.
  4. Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
  5. National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.
  6. Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
  7. Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".
  8. National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.
  9. Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.
  10. LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.
  11. Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.
  12. Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to threaten to disrupt your system.

 

· Source: John DeJong

  1. Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
  2. System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
  3. Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
  4. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
  5. I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
  6. Only this and nothing more.
  7. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
  8. Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
  9. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
  10. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
  11. One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
  12. Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
  13. Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
  14. These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
  15. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
  16. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
  17. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
  18. >From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
  19. With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
  20. Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
  21. Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
  22. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
  23. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
  24. Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
  25. I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
  26. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
  27. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
  28. Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
  29. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
  30. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
  31. There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
  32. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
  33. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
  34. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
  35. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
  36. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
  37. To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
  38. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
  39. Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
  40. But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
  41. You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
  42. Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 

· Suuport issues ...

  1. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
  2. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
  3. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
  4. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
  5. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
  6. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
  7. 7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
  8. 8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
  9. 9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
  10. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
  11. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
  12. 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
    1. Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    2. Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    3. Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    4. Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    5. Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    6. Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
    7. Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has `4X' on it."
    8. At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
  13. 13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  14. 14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

 

· At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,"Format C: Return." Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return" Unfortunately, the software worked.

 

 

AA:1.5.1 Bill

AA:1.5.2 Internet